*this is a sensitive topic so just warning you before you read on & it’s kinda long…*
As this month is #MentalHealthAwareness
I would like to share with you what it’s like to have or suffered from anxiety & depression.
Having one let alone two disorders is like living in hell. People tell you “oh your imaan is low, you should read the Quran, pray etc.” But what our people don’t realise that it is just like a physical illness just coz you can’t see it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. Society somehow brushes it underneath the mat because people think it doesn’t matter or it’s not important.
Anyways, having anxiety is having paranoia, negative thoughts, constant overthinking & worrying, oh the panic attacks are the worse thing ever about it. I used to get panic attacks last year especially underground and I would be alone – it would take me 5-10 mins to get out of the episode – I taught myself (in 6 years) to talk to myself calmly & logically by thinking that there is a world around me and it exists and although death is a reality that I was not dying. I would hyperventilate, & tears would form in my eyes but I would blink them back because if I cried I was afraid people (knowing nobody cared underground) would stare or ask me what’s wrong or get the ambulance.
With depression, you just don’t wanna do anything. The things you used to enjoy become dead boring. You slowly cut off the people you used to talk to. You want to do things but your mind doesn’t let you. So you self-destruct when you feel guilty for not doing anything. You just feel like resting in your grave just waiting for your soul to be taken away or some people would hurt themselves so they could feel a shiver run down their spine. Whenever I was abused (emotionally) I would scratch myself (since I had eczema on my hands) until I bled and thought I deserved it.
To all those who laughed at me, ignored me when I was speaking to you (I wouldn’t bother talking to you again) or were sarcastic with me (I’ll always avoid talking to you), or hurt me in the name of “banter” (taken you out my life already) know that I hurt myself too if it makes you feel better about yourself. If you called me “crazy” or “weird” I believed those words until it consumed my mind. I self-destructed because I thought I deserved it. I hope you get what you deserve. I’m just sick and tired of being used and abused.
Time to not give a shit, live my life & recover from the wounds & heal completely inshaa Allah.
My family would say why did I write about this because of my reputation and nobody would want to marry you. Good. Hope Allah gives them knowledge to make them understand mental health better.