Mental health awareness

*this is a sensitive topic so just warning you before you read on & it’s kinda long…* 
As this month is #MentalHealthAwareness 

I would like to share with you what it’s like to have or suffered from anxiety & depression. 
Having one let alone two disorders is like living in hell. People tell you “oh your imaan is low, you should read the Quran, pray etc.” But what our people don’t realise that it is just like a physical illness just coz you can’t see it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. Society somehow brushes it underneath the mat because people think it doesn’t matter or it’s not important. 
Anyways, having anxiety is having paranoia, negative thoughts, constant overthinking & worrying, oh the panic attacks are the worse thing ever about it. I used to get panic attacks last year especially underground and I would be alone – it would take me 5-10 mins to get out of the episode – I taught myself (in 6 years) to talk to myself calmly & logically by thinking that there is a world around me and it exists and although death is a reality that I was not dying. I would hyperventilate, & tears would form in my eyes but I would blink them back because if I cried I was afraid people (knowing nobody cared underground) would stare or ask me what’s wrong or get the ambulance.
With depression, you just don’t wanna do anything. The things you used to enjoy become dead boring. You slowly cut off the people you used to talk to. You want to do things but your mind doesn’t let you. So you self-destruct when you feel guilty for not doing anything. You just feel like resting in your grave just waiting for your soul to be taken away or some people would hurt themselves so they could feel a shiver run down their spine. Whenever I was abused (emotionally) I would scratch myself (since I had eczema on my hands) until I bled and thought I deserved it. 
To all those who laughed at me, ignored me when I was speaking to you (I wouldn’t bother talking to you again) or were sarcastic with me (I’ll always avoid talking to you), or hurt me in the name of “banter” (taken you out my life already) know that I hurt myself too if it makes you feel better about yourself. If you called me “crazy” or “weird” I believed those words until it consumed my mind. I self-destructed because I thought I deserved it. I hope you get what you deserve. I’m just sick and tired of being used and abused. 
Time to not give a shit, live my life & recover from the wounds & heal completely inshaa Allah. 

My family would say why did I write about this because of my reputation and nobody would want to marry you. Good. Hope Allah gives them knowledge to make them understand mental health better. 

I wish my secondary school experience was amazing. Because I got mocked for being the “religious” one.  I wish I stood up for myself and not have been a coward. I wish I was popular/pretty. I wish I was just as strong. I wish I wasn’t a loner. I tried so hard to be a nerd – so I could get people to notice me. My experience really affects me now about how I got treated. 

You may have not realised if you’re reading this and you were in my school. But you did have an impact in my life. I was always the quiet kid. And my colleagues used to call me “silent but deadly.” What was deadly about me? I mean I was so nice to them. They made me hate myself. Although I loved my class. But they used to laugh at me for being the “weird” or, the “religious” one which made me hate myself even more. 

And I wish I stood up for myself. Sometimes  I wish I just killed myself there and then. But I remembered God was always with me. My soul begged me to keep strong.

I had one girl who came to my school and bullied me, who told everyone about me and what I done. “Amina Muridi, I didn’t know you were like that.”, “oh Amina, I didn’t expect that from you.” The expectations and the accusations and the whisperings. And this girl thought I ruined her reputation.  What a bitch. I hated her but I still spoke to her, and was nice to her, and made her my friend despite her being a bully. I just didn’t want her spreading any more rumours about me.

And there were a group of girls who whenever I used to laugh they would tell me to laugh again just so they could laugh at my laugh. How horrible was that? And I would notice my laugh and just kept quiet in the end. And I shut the world out because I hated it all and hated myself. 

There was another girl, that I hated. Because she was a show off and make me feel so stupid about myself but   I forced myself to like her although she was a bitch to me. 

Anyways, I hated to be religious and I thought maybe I was only practising for show or the fact that I liked to be close to God because He was my only Real friend. 

I just hated my secondary school experience. Because it always reminds me of the girl who is bullied in the movies, the girl who is awkward, the girl who is clumsy, the girl who is stupid and people just make a mockery out of her and just use her as a fucking laughing stock. But that girl, is only nice to everyone just so she could fucking please them. 

Hey people!

I’m really sorry I have been inactive on here!! I really sorry! I know I promised I will share my project work on here but I realised its too personal and I wouldn’t want people knowing too much information about me or something along those lines. I will share with you some things which is alright for me to share but obviously not into too much detail. I hope my story inspires you and motivate you to achieve your  goals and attain happiness. It will be based around mental health and faith and society and culture. How most of it correlates somehow. Anyways, watch out for my future posts of some poetry writing. and I am currently working on a poetry book which I am planning to publish by next year, if God wills. I hope you will support me by purchasing it and wanting to read it. I will post some of my work from there on here 🙂 and I hope you do enjoy it! Take care, beautiful souls!

Maybe love…

“Maybe love is the city of Mekkah,
always the busiest, even at night. 
You are in London, wide awake. 
Maybe love might be the wrong 
time zone. Maybe love is almost
 ready for you. Maybe you aren’t 
ready for love as it almost is. 
Maybe love is the right type of 
person right for you to marry. 
Maybe the next time you see 
love will be in the next ten years. 
Love looks older now, more adultly,
more developed into a perfect person. 
Maybe love is there for a prayer, 
a supplication, a wedding, a funeral, 
Maybe love goes for a bit. Maybe love
 stays in your heart and mind. Maybe 
love shouldn’t occupy your life. 
Love comes exactly at a point in your 
life where it’s more right for you 
Whether it be in another country 
or your home. When love comes, 
Say “welcome home love, I’m glad 
your here” and if it decides to leave,
Ask love to close the door, put the 
qur’aan on loud and listen attentively
Whisper, I seek refuge in Allah from
the devil, thank you for teaching me 
a great lesson in this world that 
love leaves you when you least 
expect it to leave.”
Amina Muridi

Friend: how are you?

Me: I’m okay. Actually I’m not I’m just living by the day. Trying to make it through. I just want to cry sometimes for no reason at all. But then I hold myself together. Some people just force or impose things on me and I don’t know how to say no. I’m kinda learning but it’s difficult. I can’t get myself to say no and be greedy with my time. I give time and love freely. It’s so bad. I’m sorry I just spilled to you. I don’t want to burden you with my problems. But how are you?

“Listen, 
to the echoes of your heart beat 
in your ribcages as it sounds 
like as if it’s trying to escape 
Listen, 
to the birds tweeting out loud
in the morning trying to wake 
your soul up from its sleep
Listen, 
to the whispers of his soul 
as he silently cries to hear 
your voice one more time.”- Amina Muridi

ill never write this story 

““You really shouldn’t be so trusting.” He sneered in her face. “This world is a dangerous place.” 
“I know but I just think good of everyone and think that they don’t have evil intentions towards me. I think that by trusting people they would help me and give me good life advice. I shouldn’t be trusting, you’re right. But I just don’t know what to do sometimes but to trust them. And how can this world be a dangerous place?” She responded gracefully. 
“This world is a dangerous place. If you leave your secrets scattered around they will eventually hunt you down and haunt you forever. Trusting people can be dangerous. You have to be cautious in who you trust because they can turn against you, someday. You’ll soon learn not to trust people and that this world isn’t what you think it is. It’s a dangerous place for all you know and find.” He explained to her.”Excerpt from a story I’ll never write

What would you say to your younger self?

Don’t be afraid, little one. You’re brave, courageous and strong. You’ve got your whole life ahead of you. Don’t worry about anything. Fight the monsters that live under your bed. Listen to your parents and make them proud. The stress you go through it’s nothing compared to your adult years. You don’t have any responsibilities now so enjoy your life as it is. You’re still young so don’t imitate the elder lot. I know you want to be older and fit in with your cousins as they’re a few years older than you. But stay young and free. Don’t be afraid, is all I got to say to you. Take chances. Let yourself be heard even if you have to repeat yourself many times. Be intuitive. Be creative. Be you.

Dear future husband

I wonder what you’re doing right now. I’m on the train thinking about you. I wish you were sitting next to me. Accompanying me on this lonely journey. I’m on my way to the doctors. They’re reviewing my health and checking my BMI. I’m healthy, thank God. But I comfort eat a lot because of stress. I just had a meeting with one of my lecturers about my course and it seems to be going well. I just want to meet you already and just tell you everything and embrace you so tight and never let go. I’ve no idea who you could be. I’ve met a few potentials from 2015 till now 2016. And none of them calm my heart like you would do. I hope you come into my life in 2016 although it’s nearly towards the end, it’s the 1st November today. And it’s a cold day. Looks like it’s going to rain. I just really want to meet you. Please, show yourself this year. 
I always pray for you. I pray that God makes you humble, handsome and honourable.I pray that God removes the pain from your life as I would see it in your deep dark brown eyes. I pray that God catches you when you fall deep down underground and lifts you up.

That little girl

I tried to speak publicly but i failed 

i just couldn’t bring myself to speak

because, i was afraid of being refuted

i was afraid of being stripped down

i was afraid of being cursed

i learned to stay

Mute 

i tried to pick up heavy words

but my body was too weak

i was laughed at for trying

i tried to defend myself

from strong minded people

i was left 

Weak 

I thought ‘I can do this!’

but I was told the opposite

I’m always going to be a failure. 

So I accepted my role in society, 

and lived in the bubble of 

self-fulfilling prophecy. 

i know that i wil

Fail 

in order to be good i thought, 

i must do good and try to be 

because i’m just a little girl 

who is submissive 

and obeys the rules 

so i could be labelled as

pure 

i tried to break the status quo

but i was beaten up for doing so

i was called a loser and i didn’t know

what else to say but i couldn’t take

it anymore

i was left broken on the ground

burst 

That little girl 

had just woken up 

but the verbal abuses 

that left bruises from 

the mistakes, weaknesses 

and turned into a 

stronger, healthier, 

and brave girl

that everyone thought 

wrong of her that 

she was just 

that little girl. 

I was 

Strong.